Today is Friday. I battle between pleasurable excitement and irritated impatience sitting here at work. The tiny projects and tasks trickle in, too slow to tick the time away any faster.
I have been trying to quit smoking for so long now. What is with it? I quit a couple years ago for a few months and it seemed easy. I quit hard drugs years ago, so I should be able to quit smoking, yes? Well, hell. When I was getting clean, I read a few things here and there. One guy talked about retraining your thoughts to be non-addictive. To consider your addiction a separate entity. Like a monster in the closet. When it shows up in the front of your thoughts, you squash it by saying, "no." It's not you, it's an intruder. Also, seven minutes is all it's supposed to take for a craving to go away if you refrain.
When I think about temptation and guilt, I usually think about a certain loved one of mine. Sometimes it seems that she needs the guilt that giving in to temptation provides her to feel normal. Does that make sense? She's not satisfied unless she's beating herself up. I never knew what a broken heart really felt like until someone of my own blood stopped caring whether she lived or died. It hurts, boy, it hurts right in my chest.
A friend of mine recently told me I am brave and strong. I laughed because my heart is full of trembles usually. He said, "braver than anyone I know." I said, "emotionally, maybe." And that got me thinking. Maybe it's just a strong form of pride he sees. He and I had a falling out many years back and have reunited since. I took him in when he was unemployed and evicted. If a person I love needs help, I can be tireless in my effort to prop them back up again. To a fault, certainly. At the same time, my love and support will dry up quickly if I feel duped or schemed. I don't expect to be reimbursed, really, I just expect to keep my pride. I said some very terrible (and true, at the time) things to him back then. Maybe this is the bravery he saw. Not getting walked on, sticking up for one's self. Ah, ha.
3 comments:
Our minds are terrible and unfathomable.
It doesn't make sense, but it's so hard to ignore the shrieking voice that tells you that you don't deserve to live.
You deserve everything there is and more.
I just wrote a stupidly long thing about Meghan's post above, then immediately backspaced. Just please be careful with the thoughts you might effect in the folks who care about you, okay?
Oh, and thanks for trying to write with more substance, Emma. That wasn't too hard once you got started, was it? I'd hate to think I've been distracting you from it.
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