Had a saga of a bad dream last night. As always, it starred my sister reaching a new low. A couple of her friends had joined her in her quest for ruin, robbing the nice people of Portland for their money and credit cards. Somehow, again, she had the wool over everyone's eyes and even convinced my other, well-meaning sister to smuggle syringes onto a plane for her (something about a new diabetes diagnosis)! Woke up at 4:30am, sobbing dryly, and knew I wouldn't be getting any more sleep for the night.

I've never had something needle at me so persistently for this long. It's been so many years now. So many years. I'm usually pretty alright at letting go of things that strain me emotionally and while I have distanced myself considerably, here it creeps, into my dreams. I can't fucking abide the mistreatment that has inevitably come every time I've put a smile back on my face, hoping for the best, saying, "I'm there for you now and I trust you."

I reason, endlessly, that there's nothing I can do anyway. With or without me, she'll make her decisions the way she wants to make them.

I am a wellspring of hurt.